The Downside of Getting Fit!

A small series of entertaining rants from my forum posts at OurFitnessArmy.com

ENJOY!

We all know people who seem to brag about how hard their life is. Their medal of honor is how much things suck for them. I love these people. As I sit and listen to them, I know just how they feel. From time to time, I have found myself in those shoes... I think I have mostly grown out of them... but wait just a minute!

This fitness thing is really starting to suck! Do you have any idea how much it costs to go from a waist 33, where you have a wardrobe full of pants that fit, to a 32 and have to buy all new pants for work and school?! It costs a lot! Know what happens when you hit waist 30? You have to go spend a bunch more money, that's what! Only now, you can't just buy the same carpenter pants that hid your chubby goodness; you have to buy skinny jeans cause now there is something to be proud of! I hate it. I won't even tell you what happened when I hit waist 29. Let's just say it is hard to find pants long enough when you are a waist 29. Life is so hard for me now.

Beyond belt sizes, I am currently between watch band holes. What's up with that! You just don't know how tough this is.

Ok, maybe there is a little of that self-centeredness still inside me. As long as I understand and accept that, I can keep it managed. It also helps to have a place to vent.

What's your vent? Tell me about the little pains that have happened since you started changing your body and your life.


I noticed my heating bill go up too! It's hard to stay warm when your body fat gets below a certain point! I know I could just put on a sweater, but with a body like this, you just want to walk around with no shirt on all the time!

It's terrible being fit, ain't it!?


Oh, man that reminds me: women problems! I keep getting in trouble when other women check me out!! That's MY FAULT?! I am oblivious half the time!

I suddenly get an elbow in the ribs and I'm like, "What was that for!"

"That girl was checking you out over there!"

"She's like three days older than my truck! You really think that even interests me?! I just got you trained right!"

Then I get another elbow!

Seriously, this fit thing can be hard on a marriage...


What about gas? Anybody more gassy since changing their diet? Whooo! They tell me it's because processed junk, meat, and simple carbs are broken down in your upper GI. The fiber makes it lower where the gas production happens. Whatever! I just feel like I am contributing to global climate change and I feel a little guilty about it.

I guess there are good and bad parts about gas, though. I get to blame the dog from time to time. No one ever believes it when I blame the cat, though. Do cats not get gas?


So this morning: I am in the shower. I go to soap up and realize my abs are flexed 'cause I am leaning back a little.

PROBLEM!: The bar of soap is bouncing over the six-pack and not washing in-between the abdominal bumpage! I had to make sure to lean forward and relax my core to get all soapy!!

How lame is that!


My Wedding ring is too big!! I am walking around in Portland last weekend, it was a little chili but I was rockin' in my P90X T-Shirt lookin' like the lean, mean billboard I aim to be, when I feel something slip on that little digit on my left hand that my wife seems to own.

Every man knows the fear of losing that little piece of decorative metal that traditionally resides on the least useful of digits on the left hand. This precious decoration may be gold, silver, titanium, whatever. It doesn't matter what it's made of, SHE will think the worst if it doesn't come home with you! Suggestion: if you start losing weight, be ready to re-size your wedding ring!! If you aren't married yet, don't get a ring with a pattern that prohibits you from getting it re-sized.

My ring happens to be Tungsten. I got it because it's the second densest metal I have used in ammunition for shooting bad guys (another story). Due to its density, it cannot be re-sized and it is very heavy.

Now I have things to consider: New ring? What about the emotional value? Put some tape on it? Maybe. Botox injections in the finger!! I guess I should ask the Misses. She's already upset about the money all this fitness is costing us; she needs smaller pants too!

For now, if you see me clenching my fist, it's not 'cause I'm angry, I'm afraid of losing my wedding ring now that I'm all fit!

From my friend, Mike:
I have the same exact problem, bro!

Mine is Tungsten too. I have found a jeweler close by that will sell me a nice Tungsten ring. And, if for some reason, my finger grows or shrinks, they say that they will swap it for a different size for FREE. Seriously considering it.

My Reply:
Not sure how sentimental your wife is... at first I think you may want to just do it and not tell her! LOL! But that may get you divorced!!

In fairness to my wife, she doesn't mind that sort of thing so long as I wear that ring wherever I am! I think she trusts other women as far as she can throw'em; which can be a few meters when she's mad!

If she were super-sentimental, I would be better off buying a second ring and keeping the original in a vault.


So I am sitting in class the other day checking my nutrition log to track a snack I was just eating when a classmate asked what I was doing. "Writing down my calories," I said.

"What, are you on a diet or something?"

"Not really, I am just tracking my calories to try and keep them at a certain level throughout the day... yeah, I guess I am on a sort of diet."

"Why would you do that?" with a sort of insulting tone.

"I have been doing a new workout program called Insanity and it is really helping me drop body fat. To do that right, I need to make sure I eat enough, but not too much."

"But your not fat." Still insulting tone

I was unable to convince her that what I was doing was rewarding and what I wanted to do with my body.

A few nights later in a different class, I am munching on a P90X Bar and writing in my journal...

"Oh look at you with your health bars and your water bottle all the time!" Insulting...

"Yeah, I sure do get carried away with myself, don't I?"

"Do you ever think about anything other than diet and exercise? Don't you think there are some things more important?" still insulting.

"Yes, I do! This takes a little bit of time out of my day to ensure I get the great results I want."

"Oh, you look fine, I don't understand people like you."

I am sure she does not. I don't know if I do a fair job of capturing the snooty tone of the two attackers above. I don't think they mean to come off as jerks. They just can't help it. Maybe they are discouraged or angry at what the media tells them they should look like. Maybe they are lazy an undisciplined and seeing me do these things upsets them at themselves. Maybe they are perfectly content with themselves... but then why attack me?

I don't have it all figured out yet, but on the downside, I kind of don't like being attacked for my new level of fitness, my goals, and how I reach them. On the upside... I am ok with it!


My wife is unbearably supportive of all my goals in life and in fitness. This morning she told me that since I lost all that unsightly body fat, I wasn't as easy to snuggle with; I am too firm and muscular! I don't know how to feel about that!

Downside of fitness: less to snuggle with.

So, I am a backpacker. Actually, I have only been a backpacker since finishing my first cycle of P90X to which I credit getting me fit enough to have the confidence to try my first overnight, 26 mile hike into the back country. Since then, the backpacker bug has bitten me and I get outside every chance I can!

I was out backpacking weekend before last and found a new point of interest: my pack presses a lot of weight on the rear of my hips and my back just above my pelvis, just below a muscle formation I call my Christmas Tree. I think this area around the hips is what girls call their "Saddle-Bag" area? This new pack pressure never was a problem when I had just 5% more body fat!

Now I don't have a Saddle-bag area for my pack to rest comfortably on! My pack has to rest on lean fibrous tissue called muscle... and some bone... but it starts to hurt after a while! I am thinking it will toughen up in these early weeks of the season, but I am not sure. I am starting to look at special mountain biking spandex under-armor with built in foam padding in that area to protect my delicate, and dare I say it, tiny tush! My blue-eyed best friend to whom I am married claims I am taking a new drug called Noassatall! "Oh, honey, that's so sweet... GOODNIGHT."

Should I start a full regimen of Brazil Butt-lift? Seems this area is above the spot that Leandro Carvalho is so fanatical about. I don't know if Triple-Triangle will help me! And I am not about to call Mister Carvalho to have him checkout my posterior predicament. I just don't think that would go straight.

To make matters worse, I have been trying to get my pack lighter by trimming ounces in every piece of gear that I can. My loving wife, however, feels that I have lost 10lbs of body weight so I should be able to carry 10lbs more make-up, toiletries, and a blow dryer. I dare not tell her there is no electricity in the forest for fear of sourcing a back-packable generator!

I tell you, this fitness thing... there's just no way to get ahead. Not only does your life get harder when you are fit, it last longer! Yay 10 extra years of lugging around extra weight, loose wedding band, short jeans, girls checking me out, and classmates harassing me.. Bring that on in my 90's when I don't need teeth anymore because I am living on Shakeology and Jack LaLanne's Juicer Technology. Lord knows Jack will still be kickin. He and I will probably be making smoothies together.